i guess break downs can be rather contagious yea?
it happened to me today.
sigh~
although this is not like the first time i feeling so low.
but well,
i guess letting it out wasnt a bad idea after all.
finally.

i guess i have been bearing with it
and try to be the happy shuyu i create.
still, i mention it alot of time before.
i hate to cry in front of people.
i hate the weak side of me.
because i'd feel that i will look like a jackass.
esp when i myself told my juniors that if they feel stress, must let it out
then they might feel better.

reason for me breaking down?
STUDIES?
SYF?
TALENTIME?
my goals?
i dont know.
really.
it's a mixture of everything.
i really cannot catch up with some of the subjects.
and i should be trainning well for dance if i ever want to be a dancer in the future.
BUT.
im bloody hell LAZY.
i detest it.
sometimes i really wonder if im born lazy?
how am i going to get rid of the laziness?
plus am i always finding excuses to cover up my stupidity?

moreover,
i kept asking myself.
if i cant cope with Os.
and if i am still not that flexible,
how am i going to cope with As and dance?

i have told myself before.
SHUYU,
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT.
all you have to do is be determined.
have strong urge in what you want.

but whats the use?!
ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS!
all i do is chant.
ARGH~
im on the verge of typing bad words.

however,
there is still this lil part of me telling me
to be just the me.
perhaps i have been trying to prove that i can be better than who you all think i am.
because i just hate people looking down me.
maybe i shouldnt be so self conscious.
and have self esteem.
i know what i am good at.
and i dont need people's approval.
i have my good points.
and i dont need others to discover.
all i have to do is to just believe in myself.
that i am great.
i will fight for my goals.
and i will.
achieve them.

sigh~
well oh well.
feelings are certainly complicated!
what i really need is.
TIME.

p.s thanks to all.
much appreciated. (:

i really sincerely hope that i'd have more determinations.
JC and dance schools
my desires.